Reimagining Death and Funerals: Planning a Meaningful Farewell
We love to celebrate milestones.
Births, christenings, 18ths and 21sts, weddings. These moments are marked with ceremonies, traditions, food, music, photographs, and gatherings with the people we love.
What about death?
Death is another major marker in our lives, yet we often rush through funerals and try to get through the practical arrangements as quickly as possible.
Thinking about death and funerals can be uncomfortable. Many of us have had difficult, or even traumatic, experiences with death, grief, or the funeral industry.
But there are other ways to approach the end of life.
A funeral can be traditional, simple, highly personalised, or something entirely different. You can incorporate meaningful rituals, gather somewhere special, spend time with the person who has died, or create a celebration that reflects who they were.
Planning ahead gives you the opportunity to think about what matters to you and to leave your loved ones with some guidance when the time comes.
Do funerals have to be traditional?
No. There is no single way a funeral or farewell has to look.
A traditional funeral might be exactly what feels right for you and your family. For someone else, a large formal service may feel completely wrong.
You might prefer a celebration of life in a place that meant something to you, such as a botanical garden, sporting club, community hall, or favourite outdoor space.
You might want a small gathering with close family and friends. You might want music, photographs, stories, food, or a particular ritual to form part of the day. You might even want something very simple.
The important thing is that the farewell reflects the person who has died and the people who are grieving them.
What is a home vigil?
A home vigil is one example of a different approach to caring for someone who has died.
A vigil allows family and friends to spend time with the person who has died in a private or familiar setting. Depending on the circumstances and applicable requirements, this may involve keeping the person at home for a period of time before the funeral or cremation.
Home vigils were more common in Australia in previous generations. Today, they are less familiar to many families, but some people are choosing to explore these practices again.
A vigil might last a few hours or longer, depending on the circumstances and the wishes of the family. People might gather, share memories, light candles, say prayers, play music, or simply sit together.
For some families, having this time can make the experience of saying goodbye feel more personal and less rushed.
What is a celebration of life?
A celebration of life is a ceremony or gathering that focuses on remembering and celebrating the person who has died. It can be formal or informal.
It might include:
photographs and videos;
favourite music;
readings or poems;
stories and memories;
speeches or a eulogy;
food and drinks the person enjoyed;
cultural or religious traditions;
personal rituals;
contributions from family and friends.
There is no prescribed format. A celebration of life can be held alongside a traditional funeral service, or it can be the main way a family chooses to remember someone.
Can you personalise a funeral?
Absolutely. Ceremony and ritual can be meaningful ways to acknowledge someone's death and create space for grief.
You might ask everyone to write a message on the coffin. You might display photographs throughout the person's life. You might play their favourite songs. You might plant a tree or garden in their memory. You might gather somewhere that was important to them. You might share a favourite meal or raise a glass in their honour. You might include religious, spiritual, cultural, or family traditions.
There is no requirement for a farewell to look a certain way simply because that is how funerals have traditionally been conducted.
Think about your funeral wishes before you need them
One of the most useful things you can do is think about what you would want before your family is faced with making these decisions.
You might have strong views about:
whether you want to be buried or cremated;
where you would like your funeral or memorial service held;
whether you want a formal funeral or a celebration of life;
particular music, readings, poems, or rituals;
who you would like to speak;
whether you want photographs or videos displayed;
religious, spiritual, cultural, or other traditions you want followed;
what you would like your family and friends to know about your wishes.
You don't need to have every detail worked out. Even a few written thoughts can give your family a starting point.
Where should you record your funeral wishes?
Your funeral wishes can form part of your broader estate planning.
A Letter of Wishes can be a useful place to record personal guidance for your family about matters such as your funeral, burial or cremation preferences, and other wishes that you would like your loved ones to know.
Your Letter of Wishes is different from your Will. It generally provides guidance rather than creating legally binding directions, so it is important to obtain legal advice about where particular instructions should be recorded.
There is also a practical reason not to rely solely on your Will for funeral instructions. Your Will may not be located or read until after your funeral arrangements have already been made. Make sure someone you trust knows that you have recorded your wishes and where they can find them.
Planning your own farewell is not morbid
Thinking about your funeral can feel confronting. It can also be surprisingly positive.
Planning ahead gives you the opportunity to think about what matters to you and how you would like to be remembered. It can also spare your loved ones from having to make every decision while they are grieving.
You might discover that there are traditions you love and want to keep. You might discover that there are traditions that don't feel right for you at all. Both are completely valid.
The aim is to create something that reflects your values, relationships, beliefs, and personality.
There is no single right way to say goodbye
Death is experienced differently by every family.
Some people find comfort in traditional religious ceremonies. Others prefer something informal and personal. Some families want a large gathering, while others prefer to keep the farewell private.
Cultural and religious traditions also play an important role in how people understand death and farewell. Practices vary enormously between cultures, communities, and families.
There is no single “right” way to approach death or funerals.
The choices available to you will depend on your circumstances, applicable laws and requirements, and the practical options available in your area.
What matters is taking the time to understand your options and making choices that feel right for you and your family.
A personal note from Jacqui
My great-granny, Ena Lee, was an amazing woman who lived a full life to the age of 90.
Ena was an avid gardener and turned her assisted living unit into a beautiful urban oasis. She was a family matriarch through and through, always with something bubbling away on the stove “just in case” someone popped in for a visit.
A woman of the Great Depression, everything in Granny's home was recycled and repurposed.
When Ena passed away, I was a teenager and gave a eulogy at her funeral.
Seeing her lying still and peaceful in her open casket was a powerful moment for me. I often reflect on the special place that she, and other loved ones who have passed, hold in my heart.
I wish my children had the chance to know them.
That experience has stayed with me and shaped the way I think about death, funerals, and the importance of creating meaningful opportunities to remember the people we love.
I acknowledge that this blog is written from a Western perspective. There are many cultures and communities around the world, each with their own beliefs, rituals, and practices surrounding death and funerals. Those traditions deserve respect and recognition.
Start the conversation
You don't have to wait until someone is dying to talk about death.
Talking about your own wishes can open up conversations with your family about what matters to you, what you value, and how you would like to be remembered.
It can also be part of your broader estate planning.
At Sun Wills & Estates, we can help you think about the legal documents that form part of your estate plan, as well as the practical information you may want to leave for your family.
If you're ready to start thinking about your own wishes, you can book a heart-to-heart initial consultation with us.
And if talking about death brings up difficult feelings or memories, please give yourself some care and space. You don't have to have all the answers at once.