How to Talk to Children About Death, Grief and Loss
Talking to children about death can feel incredibly difficult. As parents, our instinct is often to protect our children from painful or frightening experiences.
We might worry that talking about death will upset them, make them anxious, or introduce them to something they are not ready to understand. The reality is that children learn about death from the world around them.
Having age-appropriate conversations about death, loss, and grief can help children understand what has happened and feel safe asking questions when they need to. One of my favourite ways to start these conversations is through books.
Using books to talk to children about death
Our house is filled with books. We shuffle them aside to sit on the couch, trip over book towers in bedrooms, and love the library bus that visits our suburb each week.
Reading with children has so many benefits, from language development and emotional connection to imagination and creativity. Books can also provide a gentle way to introduce difficult topics, including death, grief, and big feelings.
A story gives you something to talk about together. You can pause, ask questions, notice how a character is feeling, and allow your child to lead the conversation. You don't need to sit down and announce, “Today we're going to talk about death.” Sometimes a book can simply open the door.
How do you explain death to a child?
The way you talk about death will depend on your child's age, development, personality, previous experiences, and relationship with the person who has died.
For younger children, simple and concrete explanations are usually easier to understand. You might say: “Grandad died. His body has stopped working. He can't breathe, eat, move, or cuddle us anymore, and he won't come back.” You don't need to provide every detail at once. Give your child simple information, then let their questions guide the conversation.
Children may ask the same question repeatedly. They may seem to understand what has happened one minute and then ask the same question again later. That's normal. Children often process information gradually, particularly when they are experiencing strong emotions.
Why it's important to use clear language
It can be tempting to use phrases such as “passed away,” “gone to sleep,” or “lost someone” when talking to children about death. These phrases can feel gentler for adults, but they can be confusing for young children.
A child who is told that someone has “gone to sleep” may become frightened about going to sleep themselves. A child who is told that someone has “gone away” may wonder when they are coming home. Using words such as died and dead gives children clear information about what has happened. You can still speak with warmth and compassion while using direct language. For example: “Mum died because she had a very serious illness. Her body stopped working, and she can't come back. We are very sad because we love her and we miss her.”
Clear language can give children a sense of certainty at a time when so much may feel uncertain.
Let your child ask questions
Children can ask some wonderfully direct questions about death. “Where is their body?” “Will they come back?” “Will I die?” “Are you going to die?” “What happens when someone dies?” “Can dead people hear us?”
You don't need to have the perfect answer to every question. It's okay to say: “I don't know.” You can then explore the answer together, or explain what you do know. It's also okay to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later.
Children grieve differently from adults
Children don't always grieve in the way adults expect. They may cry, become quiet, ask lots of questions, become angry, want extra attention, or seem completely unaffected. They may move quickly between grief and ordinary childhood activities. One minute they might be crying because someone has died, and the next they might be asking for a snack or wanting to play outside.
This doesn't mean they don't understand or don't care. Children often move in and out of grief. They may return to the subject repeatedly as they develop and their understanding of death changes. There is no single “right” way for a child to grieve.
Follow your child's lead
You don't need to have one enormous conversation about death. Instead, think about it as an ongoing conversation. Answer the questions your child asks. Check in with them. Give them opportunities to talk about the person who has died. Look at photographs together. Read books. Tell stories about the person. Talk about memories. And give them permission to keep enjoying their ordinary life.
Children still need to play, laugh, go to school, see their friends, and have fun while they are grieving. Those moments of happiness don't mean they have forgotten the person who died.
Books that can help children understand death and grief
Books can be a wonderful starting point for conversations about death, particularly when you choose a book that is appropriate for your child's age and understanding. Some books you might explore include:
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
This book explores the idea of connection and can provide an opportunity to talk with younger children about the ways we remain connected to people we love, even when they aren't physically with us.
The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland
This story follows a young girl as she creates a memory box after the death of her grandfather. It can provide an opportunity to talk about memories, grief, and ways of remembering someone who has died.
Your local library can also be a great resource. Librarians can often recommend books based on your child's age and the particular circumstances you are dealing with.
What should you say when a child asks about death?
There isn't a script that will work for every child or every situation. Some general principles can help:
Use clear, age-appropriate language.
Answer the question your child has actually asked.
Keep explanations simple.
Give your child opportunities to ask more questions.
Be honest when you don't know something.
Avoid euphemisms that may confuse young children.
Reassure them where appropriate.
Allow them to express their feelings in their own way.
Keep routines as consistent as possible.
Give them opportunities to remember and talk about the person who has died.
Most importantly, you don't need to get every word perfect. Your child needs a safe person who is willing to talk, listen, answer questions, and sit with them in the difficult moments.
Preparing your children for death
Talking about death doesn't have to happen only after someone has died. As parents, we can gradually introduce children to the idea that death is part of life.
That might mean talking about the death of a pet, reading a book about death, visiting a cemetery, answering a question your child has asked, or talking about what happens at a funeral. These conversations can help children develop an understanding of death before they are faced with the loss of someone they love.
And if you're an adult thinking about your own estate plan, preparing your children for what may happen after your death can form part of that planning, too. You can think about the practical things your children may need to know, who will care for them, what traditions or routines you want maintained, and how you would like them to be supported through grief.
These wishes can be recorded in your Letter of Wishes and discussed with the people you have appointed to care for your children.
Our free guide for parents
If you're not sure how to talk to your children about death or what to say when someone dies, we've created a free resource to help.
Preparing Kids for Death and Funerals includes practical information and conversation prompts to help parents talk to children about death, funerals, grief, and what happens when someone dies.
You can download Preparing Kids for Death and Funerals for free.
A final thought
Death is a difficult subject. Talking about it with your children can feel even harder. You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to make the conversation perfect.
You simply need to create a space where your child knows that questions about death are okay, their feelings are welcome, and they can come back to you whenever they need to.
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can give our children is the confidence to talk about the things that feel difficult. And that includes death.